As you have seen, I have prepared everything from Liberty’s nursery to my visual birth plan, met with my care team several million times to prepare myself medically and packed my bags ready for labour. With all this, you could say that I was ready! That couldn’t be any further from the truth! I am so unprepared mentally. You hear many stories that fear and mental blocks can physically stop something from happening , this can apparently be the same with labour. Once you have spoken out loud and released the negative thoughts and fear and let them go, things start to happen. With 5 days to go, I need to learn to let go and become mentally prepared.
Back to the Birth Bible (Milli’s book) there is a section about overcoming fears and mental blocks so I have decided to review the list of ideas (Page 142) and chosen to write a letter to Liberty. This letter will explain how I feel about the birth and how I feel about her. I know this letter won’t be easy to write but will be an honest open letter of all the feelings I have addressed to my daughter. So here goes…
I am sat here wanting to write to you to share my hopes and fears with you about your forthcoming arrival into this world and how I feel about you,
I am feeling so many different emotions at the moment while waiting for your arrival. I feel scared, frustrated, nervous but excited. As you know I struggle to relax and constantly on the move which I know annoys you as you punish me with the occasional rib kick or stomach punch as I won’t let you rest. You have to admit, I am getting better and having regular rest breaks to which I am sure that one of the ways to get you to settle while you are here would be to play the ‘Desperate Housewives’ or the ‘Real Housewives of New York’ theme tune.
First things first, I want to tell you how in love with you I already am. We gave you the name Liberty as it means Freedom. Your name means a lot to me as you are my freedom. I have to be honest that I do feel some resentment towards you as my life will change however it already has. I remember what my life was like before you and something needed to change. I feel that you have saved me from myself and helped steer my life in another direction and given me a sense of purpose and honestly saved my life so Thank you Liberty.
I have battling with myself to hold it together sometimes as I am scared that my body would fail me in some way and that you may be unwell like mummy but with all the tests and monitoring, you are growing perfectly, which makes me so happy! I know you do like to stress mummy out by covering or hiding parts of your body on scans, moving away or kicking the heartbeat monitor so can’t get a proper hearing of your little heart. I know you do this to wind me up. I wouldn’t expect anything less as you are definitely your daddy’s daughter and hope and pray that these aren’t signs of things to come.
I am struggling to prepare myself for your arrival and my greatest fear is whether I am going to be a good mother? I want you to have the best chance in life and get everything you hope and dream. I want you to not make the mistakes that mummy and daddy have previously however if you ever get into trouble or need help, I want you to always know that I will be there for you always and forever and would never judge you. Trust me Lib, I have no right to judge as some of the choices I have made have been terrible. I don’t who you are yet or the person you will become but one thing I know for sure is that you will be my EVERYTHING!
I have already been demoted to #2 in daddy’s eyes as you are #1. I will allow that! I wanted to apologise in advance for daddy, he can be very silly and I have no idea what kind of mischief that you two will get yourselves into over the years. As long as the mischief doesn’t involve trips to A&E or having to replace or fix things/say sorry or ground both of you, we will be all good! Also don’t let him force you to support Manchester United! I will get you a Manchester City shirt when you want to annoy him or want to blackmail him for any reason!
You are currently all mine! I am going to feel sad as I am going to feel initially redundant as you will be out and not solely mine anymore when I have to share you but so many people are looking forward to meeting you and I can’t wait to share you with them.
You are already one of my greatest achievements and I can’t wait to hold you and look deep into your eyes and you to see the love I have for you in my eyes. I can’t wait to feel your breath of my skin and to feel your little body against mine, keeping you safe and warm.
I LOVE YOU LIBERTY RAVEN HUGHES
Love Mummy xx
OH MY GOD! I feel so much better. Ready when you are Liberty!