I look at my life and need to learn to love it for what it is and what I have got! I know I am very lucky yet still feel a sense of unhappiness! I still continue to rebel and chase temporary highs to satisfy me! I almost feel like because I have made some very poor choices in the past, that I am not allowing myself to be happy! Like I don’t deserve to be!
I think part of the reason that I’m unhappy is because my life is going to change again which is putting me in a state of feeling very unsettled at the moment and my anxiety is at an all time high! I think that’s my impending return to work after having Liberty is really starting to affect me! After watching her roll over and capturing it on film and starting her weaning Journey, I’m so afraid I will miss those ‘firsts’ and I will punish myself for that! On the flip side, going back to work will help me restore some order in my life and get back into a routine! Although it’s not like I have had a 7 month holiday! I fill my time with numerous baby classes and groups and continue to learn the ropes of being a mother!
I often moan about wanting to have my old life back but know that will never happen as I have responsibilities now and wouldn’t change that for the world! My daughter is my number 1 priority and will continue to be until the day I die! I need to get into my head that I am still me! I’m Mary, wife, mother and friend! I just need to compromise! I can still go out and have fun just need to know my limits! (Some of my best nights were when I was sober during pregnancy as you get to see your friends slowing becoming hot messes and it’s all the entertainment you need!) I can still have some ‘me’ time and not feel guilty and the only reason I’m not able to be with Liberty everyday is because I need to work! One is because it’s one of the only consistencies in my life and Two is because I need the money to ensure she have everything she needs to have the best life!
Like I have said before I need to love my life and what I have got! Stop with all the bullshit and self punishment! Once I do that, I believe that I will be happy! 🤞🏻