So went to my appointment with the Consultant Psychiatrist yesterday to get some help to guide me back on the path following a period of anxiety and panic attacks. They think I’m going slightly manic as like I wrote in my last post, I agree. Going over the symptoms that I was experiencing, they picked up on one of the things that do on a daily basis. This is Liberty’s chart. This chart has a list of each feed, what food she has had and when, whether had a poo, bath and what time she goes down and what time she wakes in the night. I have done this chart ever since she was born. They think that I have OCD! To me I think I just like to be in control and know if there is suddenly a chance in her routine when I will know if something is wrong with her. Also knowing what food she has tried while weaning her. That makes sense right?!

I am not expecting to do it until she is older where she ends up doing herself and ends up with an eating disorder. It’s purely until she is fully weaned I promise!

I don’t think that it’s OCD to do that, I just like routine and to be organised that’s all and be in control. Before Liberty was here, it was work what I was in control of. I don’t want to go back into that dark place I was in when I was obsessed with work and trying to do everything.

They told me that I needed to take a step back and stop putting too much pressure on myself. When they asked me questions, I couldn’t give just a yes or no questions. I had to give reason to why I was answering for example, are you sleeping? My answer was yes but no. The reason being what with Liberty being poorly, I don’t sleep properly in case she has a coughing fit in the night. This is the reason for my tiredness which then makes me need to push myself to be lively so people don’t think I can’t cope. Yet again, does that make sense? I was told off a number of times for not answering questions properly.

Following on from me giving them my life story to date, they made the following recommendations:

• Start to take additional medication to level me out – Olanzapine

• Need to make a plan on how to reduce my stress starting with work (already put the wheels in motion for this as submitted my flexible working request where I will reduce my hours and have an extra day with Liberty). They suggested that I look for a job in Harrogate as stress will be reduce by not having to travel to York but I simply can’t. Work have been so good to me and supported me over the years (not like I feel like I owe them) I have to stick it out as changing now wouldn’t be good for me as I HATE CHANGE!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks to have a review and see if I need to amend my medication again. I do feel alittle better now but it will take time. I just need to stop with the pressure. I promise I will try.

🖤

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